A letter from a concerned hardware store owner to a customer

Hey Stan,

It's Jack Vande from the hardware store. I know I just saw you last week and I've never written you a letter before. Sorry if this is a little weird. But I was going over your accounts for the last few months and I've got to say I'm a little concerned.

Now normally I'm not one to comment on people's purchases. Just last week Mae Summers came in here and bought a beautiful gold trim for her living room -- and then two cans of eggshell paint. I bit my tongue so hard I think I injured myself, but I didn't say a word. But Stan -- some of your purchases have me a little more worried than that.

Let's start with this month. You bought a power drill, a saw, and two claw hammers. Now that wouldn't seem that strange (even though you did ask me what was the best drill bit to put a hole in "viscous material"), except that you then asked whether paint thinner could get bloodstains out of concrete. I assumed you had cut yourself or (at worst) killed a sick pet without paying the city the put-down fee. But now that I remember you asking me what sawblade would cut "slowest," I'm starting to have my doubts.

The previous months aren't much better. You first came in here six months ago to buy a backhoe, some cement, and a bunch of wood for supports. "Great!" I said. "Making a new wine cellar?" "Something like that," you replied. Then you asked how to make a "feeding slot" and I, a little confused, directed you to our Outdoor Gourmet section (you bought a large pair of iron tongs and a barbeque fork, but no grill).

And I'm sorry Stan, but nobody buys six-foot lengths of chain to tie up a boat (which is what you said it was for). It's heavier than rope and way too short. And I couldn't figure out why in the world you asked me if the links could be "sharpened" with that bastard file you bought.

The last straws, Stan, were that chloroform you had me special order and your constant need for new gloves. Twenty-two pairs in the past six months, all of the heaviest grade leather I stock! I assumed you were working with a lot of harsh chemicals and needed the chloroform to relax from all the stress. I didn't say anything because I'm not one to comment on another man's hobbies. This letter may be the exception to that rule, though.

Just writing this now, Stan, I feel a little embarrassed. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, but I'd sure like to be able to set my mind at ease. How about you and I grab a coffee in a nice public place and you can tell me all about your home building projects?

Jack Vande
Vande Hardware and Building Supplies

Fatwas issued by Ahmed the baker after he was accidentally granted mufti status for a day

By the Holy Qur'an: No backsies. Any person granted mufti status by accident cannot be returned to non-mufti status. If this should happen, the person will be allowed to sell his story and star in a sitcom titled "Mufti Madness" about a simple man made mufti and the hilarity that ensues. No laugh tracks shall be used, as they are offensive to the Prophet (PBUH).

By the Holy Qur'an: Every wife must submit to her wifely duties, even when her husband has just baked a lot of garlic khubz or returned from a football match caked in mud and sweat. When her impurity is flowing it is hummer week. No whining.

By the Holy Qur'an: Rock music and Hollywood movies are now halal. Especially anything with that Lindsay Lohan girl. The Prophet (PBUH) would definitely hit that.

By the Holy Qur'an: Sex and the City is still haram. In fact, 200 virgins to whoever explodes himself next to the infidel Sarah Jessica Parker. God I hate that show.

By the Holy Qur'an: Oh, illegal satellite dishes are now halal. I only know about Sarah Jessica Parker because someone told me.

By the Holy Qur'an: Saudi Arabia must begin shifting its economy away from oil export dependence. Oil has given our people much wealth, but it has also given the West too much power over and interest in our nation. Worse, it has promoted indolence and corruption among our leaders! I recommend a gradual but firm shift to a bakery-based economy, beginning with massive subsidies for bakers. Also free cars. And harems.

By the Holy Qur'an: Shias and Sunnis have to get along now. Enough's enough. I mean, for fuck's sake. God.

By the Holy Qur'an: Forty flogs per day is the punishment for being my worthless upstairs neighbour Fayiz. Take that Fayiz!

By the Holy Qur'an: Uh oh, I think someone figured out the mistake. What else do I want -- world peace! Free parking! Cleaner corn flour! Just a minute! I'll be right there insha'Allah! Minigolf is halal! Dancing is halal! Forcing your husband to take out the garbage is haram! Aaaaa! No backsies, no backsiuasdfdviovicvoizxvoc

==

Mufti Madness premieres on Riyadh TV on 30 July at 7:00 p.m.

Scandal! Parallel lines meet incognito!

The math world is aghast today after an amateur geometer caught two parallel lines meeting incognito.

"I've never seen anything like it," said William Kieler, a cab driver who dabbles in angle measurement and Pythagorean theory. "I was following them along and suddenly -- BAM! They were literally getting kinky. I had to look away."

A horrified Kieler grabbed a camera from the glove compartment of his taxi and snapped a photo of the tryst. The picture was originally circulated within a small group of geometers, but was eventually leaked to Mathematical Misdeeds Monthly, a lurid broadsheet known for sensationalist coverage of math-related scandals.


The lines meeting. The picture has been censored to protect our younger readers.

The linear rendezvous is the latest in a series of scurrilous revelations to rock the geometry world. Earlier this year the hypotenuse was arrested for attempting to force itself between the vertices of a right-angled triangle. Readers will also remember the shocking leaked camphone video of a ruler and compass trisecting an angle.

"We've been guilty of a bit of naivety," said Prof. Alison Wang of the Centre for the Study of Angles, Polygons, and Sexual Behaviour. "Euclid postulated that parallel lines never meet, but never proved it. And while it may have been true that the lines kept to themselves in the past, we've seen many formerly distant entities enjoying new conjunctive freedoms with each other."

Not everyone is so sanguine about the revelation.

"God intended for certain lines to be together and for certain lines to stay apart!" said Bishop Michael Edgler, head of the Vatican's Science and Faith Advisory Committee. "Supplementary angles, fine. Acute angles, fine! But immoral unions are already destroying our nation! Is nothing straight anymore!?!"

The discovery of secret meetings between parallel lines also has far-reaching implications for practical design fields.

"Euclidean geometry is the basis of every building plan, design metric, and flight path," said Terry Yu, a Toronto architect. "I grew up believing in parallel lines. We all did. Parallel lines -- how could you do this to us?"

The lines could not be reached for comment and were last seen continuing infinitely in an undefined plane.

Briefing for a Descent into Vagina

Minutes from a Meeting of the Anti-Girl Squad, 1988

3:45p - Attention Called; Roll Call begins

3:46p - Point of Order: Prv. Snot Ears interrupts Roll Call to lodge an objection to his nom-de-guerre, imparted by 15-1 vote at prior meeting

3:47p - Objection Overruled, 15-1; Roll Call completed; Impromptu motion by Chairman Martin to award Prv. Snot Ears a Medal of Distinguished Whining passed, 15-1

3:50p - Chairman Martin calls for old business

- Update on field surveillance of Jacky "Squinty" Ostrovsky: Threats by Squinty to inform her parents about the much-lauded success of Operation Enduring Acorn Salvo appear to have been exaggerated or entirely confabulated. Motion to discontinue surveillance tabled. Passed 11-5.

- Update on political prisoners: The Heroic Two remain in detention for their panty-liberation efforts in the April changeroom incident. The Squad will continue to agitate for their release and smuggle comics to them whenever Ms. Fedsik falls asleep.

- Update on possible subversion: The assembly was unanimous that Cpt. Marky's recent behaviour toward Jan Kunich has entirely absolved him of any suspicion of fraternization. The assembly was also unanimous that stealing the baby doll she insists is real and epoxying it to the school flagpole with a barbeque fork in its eyes -- thus causing Kunich to cry publicly every morning, lunch hour, recess, and final bell -- was particularly masterful.

4:15p - Chairman Martin calls for new business

- Motion by Prv. Snot Ears to compel the assembly to recognize that he has cleaned his ears since he earned his nom-de-guerre. Defeated 15-1.

- Motion by Prv. Snot Ears to compel the assembly to recognize how much they suck. Defeated 15-1.

- Motion by Sgt.-at-arms Billy to bind and gag Prv. Snot Ears to prevent him from tabling further motions. Passed 15-1 and carried out.

- Motion by Sgt.-at-arms Billy to punch Prv. Snot Ears repeatedly in the scrotum while bound. Passed 15-0 with one abstention.

- New project proposed: Operation Mammary Freedom. Mission parameters include undoing Helen Smithson's halter top the next time she wears one and pulling her bra, if any, over her head. While execution risk factor is low, post-facto risk of punishment is projected to be high. Cootie contamination risk is also considered high. A commission comprising Wally, Sean, and Brendan is struck to investigate whether the use of masks and gloves can lower these risks to an acceptable level.

4:30p - Meeting interrupted by Chairman Martin's mother delivering brownies. Prv. Snot Ears is observed and freed.

- Motion by Cpt. Marky to make Martin's mother an honourary non-girl. Defeated 9-7.

- Motion by First Pilot Randy to recognize the "awesomeness" of hypercolour t-shirts. Passed 14-2.

- Impassioned speech by Chairman Martin about the "creeping spazz hazard" faced by the Anti-Girl Squad. Phrases such as "stinky book-readers," "doll-playing weaklings," and "pasty smell-holes" are heard. Chairman Martin importunes the assembly to resist the mysterious contagion that compels older boys to abandon their values and associate with the enemy. This speech is met with much applause.

4:45p - Meeting adjourned to Chairman Martin's basement. His Wrestlemania tape where Demolition fights the Bushwhackers is watched.

==

Transcript of Unconditional Surrender of Last Holdout Member of the Anti-Girl Squad, 2007

Lt. Patrick: "You want to throw out all my old clothes and make me buy new ones? I guess so."

From the Magical Infirmary of Crazy Yahya Jammeh!!

Hello! And welcome to Crazy Jammeh's Magical Infirmary!

I see you are new to Banjul -- surely you have come to be a patient at my Magical Infirmary! Why is it magical, you ask?

I am so glad you asked!

The magic is me, Crazy Jammeh! By waving my magical hands over anyone with the HIV I can magically cure them -- with magic!

I see that you are skeptical. After all, you are from the West, the land of whores and atheists who spend their days devising new ways to keep Africans from having children! I know the true reason behind your Western "con-doms" and "antiretroviral drugs" is to castrate the African man and reduce our population. That is why I tell all my patients not to use them!

I can see from your expression that you're disgusted with yourself now that I've learned the truth!

But no matter! Bring me a man with AIDS! Kla-blam! Now he is cured! Take him away!

How can you still doubt?


Where do those Western doctors learn their "cures"? From books of course! Why not go right to the source? This is a copy of Ride the Bull, Tame the Bear -- Investment Advice from Crazy Jammeh!

The Koran and an old Evian bottle are all the magic I need to cure the HIV. When the CIA created AIDS and unleashed it upon the African nations, they didn't count on Allah and Crazy Jammeh joining forces!

Even my European-trained minister of health agrees with me! Isn't that right, Mr. Minister? It would be a shame if anyone else had to die of a terrible case of Doubter's Skull.

Look at him shaking so hard in agreement! And he is a vagina doctor! We all know that the HIV is created in the treacherous vagina before launching itself forth to prey on good men, so we must trust his judgment! Could he work at the Magical Infirmary of Crazy Jammeh unless he believed in Crazy Jammeh's magical powers?

It could not be otherwise!

Some say I am merely treating internal parasites and passing off temporary weight gains as a cure. Of them I say, "Seize them and place them in the dungeon until they have learned not to doubt the mighty curatives of Allah and Crazy Jammeh!"


I wear a lot of white. I have also just been elected king of the United Nations! How can you doubt?

Aide! Where is the man I just cured? Having sex with his wife? You see! He must be cured -- men with the HIV cannot safely have sex!

Now that I have convinced you of Crazy Jammeh's magical powers we must say goodbye! There are many others with the HIV who are foolishly taking Western drugs and using con-doms. I am so happy to be making these people's lives better with the power of my book and Evian bottle!

Thank you for coming to my Magical Infirmary! Goodbye from Crazy Jammeh!

Goodbye Stanley

It’s been a few days since the Ottawa Sens were thoroughly trounced by the incessant quacking of the Anaheim Ducks. The series was a short one, mostly due to the fact that, in the interim between their thrashing of Buffalo and the beginning of the Stanley Cup finals, the Sens transformed from a hard-working team of goal-scoring juggernauts to a loose assembly of cuckolded extras from the ice capades blooper reel.

In this Shoe & Whore exclusive, I present to you the transcript of the well-meaning speech by their coach that turned everything so horribly around.

=============================================

Congratulations boys! We’ve made it to the Stanley Cup finals. There are just four wins between our lips and Lord Stanley’s athletic cup! I know we’ve all been dreaming and working for this day our whole lives, so I don’t have to tell you how exciting this is.

I have confidence in you. Our opponents, the Anaheim Ducks, are a tough bunch. But they can’t stand up to our true grit! No sir!

Now, I’m sure you guys have all heard the rumours. Some of them are true, but it doesn’t matter. Sure, sure, it may be true that, before every game, every player on that team is injected with a super-soldier serum that gives them the strength of ten men and a lust for human blood that makes the desire for a goal seem laughable! But that doesn’t count for much next to hard work and determination.

And there’s no doubt that each piece of equipment the Ducks use has been sharpened and diabolically crafted to rend deeply into human flesh and the delicate organs beyond. When the time comes, I’ve no doubt that all of you will make the decision to spend the rest of your life on a dialysis machine if that’s what it takes to finish a check. That’s the incredible courage I’ve seen in this team. The courage to make great sacrifices again and again and again, just to take a man out of the play for a second or two. One hundred and ten percent, men. One hundred and ten percent.

What’s that, Danny? Yeah, that one’s true too. I don’t know how they’ve managed to load their sticks with gunpowder so that even their wrist-shots are capable of penetrating tank armour before going on to turn a grown man’s femur into a pulpy mess of splinters, but they have. But does it matter? Can’t you feel the will of an entire nation behind you, willing you to get in front of that puck? You’ll feel it when the time comes, and the knowledge that you’ve carried the dreams of millions aloft will be more solace than any quantity of morphine.

This note in my hand was delivered in the hollowed out skull of Detroit Red Wing captain Niklas Lidstrom this morning. It says that a horrible fate awaits whichever member of our team scores the most goals. But we can’t be intimidated! How many cold, dark, winter mornings did you boys spend practicing hard? If the conclusion of all that work is to be gang-raped in a dark alley, so be it! How many games have you pushed yourself so hard you could barely see? Playing hard is an instinct that burns deep within, and it’ll take more than a trail of intestines leading to the corpses of your family placed in unnatural congress to put out that fire!

We’re gonna win all right. We’re going to win because we’ve worked harder. We’re going to win because we’ve gelled as a team, like a family. We’re going to win because we’ve got more grit and gumption in our little finger than they have in their entire chemical warfare depot! So go out there, shoot the puck, keep your passes clean, avoid the sniper laser sights, and skate hard! Stanley Cup, here we come!

I’ll be in my bunker if anyone needs me.

IMDB's Goofs page for the worst movie ever made

Goofs for:
The Grasshopper Lies Heavy

Continuity: The length of the salami in the conductor's hand changes size several times during the orchestra scene.

Continuity: When the possessed biplane is chasing Amelia Earhart through the shopping mall her hair changes from a bob to a body-length braid several times.

Anachronisms: When Prof. von Chumsdordler stops to calculate how many zombies are chasing him he uses a Texas Instruments TI-73 Explorer Ultra Graphing Calculator. This item was not available in 1886.

Revealing mistakes: The scenes set on Mars were obviously shot in Fresno, California, with a No. 9 red filter on the camera lens.

Revealing mistakes: During the surgery scene a crew member is clearly visible squeezing a ketchup bottle to create the blood spray that blinds Drs. Checkov and McGarnigle. When the nurse accidentally knocks the scalpel into the patient's exposed bladder, the crew member switches to a mustard bottle.

Continuity: When Laura leaves the senator's office she is wearing a black business suit with dark grey pinstripes. When she arrives at home her outfit has changed to a black lace corset and nipple tassels.

Continuity: At Laura's financial planning appointment the clock on the wall behind Harold "Jiggy" Wexler changes from 4:15 to 27 o'clock.

Factual errors: During Gandhi's "freedom" monologue he devours several of the magic hamburgers before the Justice Squad is able to subdue him. Gandhi's religion forced him to eschew beef.

Anachronisms: Despite being a Hun berserker of the 4th century, Tim wears a modern pair of jeans and an Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt.

Plot holes: It is never explained why, in the final scene, Barbarossa is surprised by the revelation that Harold is his father after giving Harold a Father's Day card and singing "My Father is the Best" to him in the previous scene.

Revealing mistakes: During the farewell medley aboard the dirigible several cast members' flying wires are visible.

Revealing mistakes: Several of the "children" in the kindergarten scene are clearly wax statues of adult celebrities.

Plot holes: The movie ends without explaining either the immolation of all the main characters or the nameless man who screams, "This is all your fault!" at the audience repeatedly throughout the credits.